De Pfeffeland

Dame Commander Decider Crick and the soon to be damed or damned Sargent Ms Sue Says are two women who would otherwise not wish to be receiving unwanted attention from the priapic De Pfeffel. Not known for respecting the honour of ladies, he now finds himself and his hold on power dependent on their own honour.

As if to make matters worse his own rear is vulnerable to Rear Admiral Bliss Trussed. Her good eye to a spyglass, she’s been focused on a future with yet another female Tory PM. Not one for avoiding media attention she has become positively nun-like in her silence. In contrast, her blind eye sees no misdeeds – an article of faith not to De Pfeffel but the party (her political one, not the illegal ones).

And she has been hardly abstemious in sharing booze when it comes to ingratiating herself with party backers for her leadership (when such mixing was permitted in De Pfeffeland of course). “Get pissed with Bliss” was an interesting non-campaign campaign slogan. Leadership is nothing without followership and one senses Bliss’s matronly charm appealing to those in her party who followed nanny’s and matron’s every word in their formative years. Many of these potential followers have a lot of mess to clear up and one can easily imagine them being Trussed to her bosom as she wipes things clean for them.

Dame Crick on the other hand has a different visibility problem and one which De Pfeffel could easily milk. The Commander’s officers maintain a tight hold on security in the offices and homes of nation’s leaders; else we are truly open to being taken over by a destructive mob of despots. No 10 must have very few square metres not monitored 365/24/7* by security cameras. Mr Wet Mancock, former Head of Department for Pandemic Profiteering, discovered this to his cost; caught red-handed getting to the bottom of affairs.

Armed officers control all comings and goings on high alert we assume. However maybe having one ear plugged into constant communication with their controllers renders the officers deaf to party noise? Or perhaps it is that a suitcase full of booze wheeled into No10 need not be searched as it couldn’t possibly be mistaken for a terrorist bomb? Or maybe CCTV footage of a conga is a standard day in the corridors of power – Ah… bless ‘em. The poor young Spads need a break from running the country. It’s not like they’re killing anyone”? Whatever the case, the Dame Commander’s officers seem to have demonstrated an arrestingly low awareness of arrestable behaviour.

Dame Commander Decider Crick, when finally deciding to investigate historical misdeeds, is thus both in possession of first hand evidence and knowledge that her entire operation has been complicit in criminal behaviour. Now, that not be a first within policing; though the majority of police are not “bent” despite a plethora of national TV series on the subject. But it is probably the first time complicity in Government criminality has arisen in the “Mother of God” Parliaments’ affairs. More perversely, Dame Decider and her operation are under the purview of Brigadier Prattle, something not lost on those accusing her of creating a police state. However De Pfeffel appears strangely confident that at least the Brigadier will support him; her confidence in police is often stated when their probity is called to question; “our police officers are puttin their jobs on the line every day for this country” she has been heard to say.

Sargent Sue Says’ problems are of a more human kind – how to tell the man you serve that his stated ignorance (of parties or other illegal gatherings) is inconsistent with the evidence? In brief : you lied! De Pfeffel’s previous approach when thus charged by a woman has been variously “It’s not true” ; “I was drunk ” ; “It was nothing more than a prolonged embrace” or “I thought you knew and didn’t mind”. With the exception of the second variant – even he is not that stupid – he’s creatively combined the last two with “Nobody told me it was against the rules and anyway it was a work meeting and only lasted 10 minutes”. Unfortunately he’d already shot his bolt by initially relying on variant one – there were no parties.

To some, it was no surprise that De Pfeffeland was being led by a liar; after all a string of examples had gained him power in the first place. Perhaps to Sargent Says this is the case and she maybe thinking of one of her favourite county and western songs “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?” as she presents him with a report confirming De Pfeffel’s dishonesty. His own response may also appeal to her musical taste “How come your dog don’t bite nobody but me?”

So whatever Sue Says says, or Decider Crick decides, DePfeffel will have left and inedible inedible mark on a country which no change of leader will possibly erase.

*Historically, despots have never struck on Feb 29th

Dictatorships don’t always just happen. Sometimes people let them happen; as someone should have once said, “Dictatorships are what happen while you’re busy making other plans”…

While other plans go on, an elected dictator ensures his truth is communicated as truth however far from the truth it may be. He also needs unthinking followers and De-P has cleverly recognised several such partners; one such being a true culture vulture Madline Dollies. So dedicated to her leader, she had taken a sabbatical in a jungle and suffered publicised humiliations such as eating ostrich anus. Observers suggested this fully qualified her to brown-nose De Pfeffel. In recognition, he put De Pfeffeland’s culture in the hands of “Auntie Mad” – so named by Madline’s detractors because she accused DePBC (Auntie) of nepotism despite employing her own family on political business. She also accused a talk show host of inciting radical Islam; which would have been awful had that not been “alternative fact”.

She in turn tried to get Paul Daycare – a great libertarian provided it’s his liberty to create false divisive headlines that’s at stake – to be the next leader of said BBC. When the interview panel decided none of the applicants was suitable, Auntie Mad simply ignored reality and selected a new panel.

Madline Dollies’ knowledge of her brief, received from the Ministry of Satire, has been superb. Complaining that public money should be removed from Channel 4, “it should be privately funded” she dictated. An outlet so far resisting much of the output of the Ministry of Misinformation, Channel 4 runs on a fraction of the DePBC budget and is, sadly for Auntie M, funded privately by advertising, so that’s one thing she can check off her list and claim to have achieved before the next election.

Of course the department ‘in charge of the remote’, thus vital lever of dictatorship, is the Ministry of Crime and Punishment. Brigadeer Prattle has fulfilled her ambitions of “taking back control of the remote”, quite literally by making the island of De Pfeffeland a place where ‘unwanted aliens’ are dying to enter yet demonised for trying. Any official routes to enter are mysterious and even those well advertised – like visas for HGV drivers, vegetable pickers and the “brightest and best” entering academia – provide only a trickle of vitally relevant human resources to keep De Pfeffeland afloat in the Atlantic Ocean. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Misinformation continues to keep the “unacceptable levels of illegal immigrants” message shouted out from the friends of Mr Daycare.

For those human traffickers sending migrants from France to De Pfeffeland, the possibility of two countries working together to kill their evil trade looked ominous. However De Pfeffel put himself in the position of a modern day King Cnut (not a typo!), telling the French President exactly what his counterpart should do, via Twitter. Last used by ex-US Presidential demagogue Drumpf, this kind of diplomacy had never really fulfilled its promise. And so it was that Brigadeer Prattle had her invitation, to talks with her counterpart in France to solve “the problem of illegal immigration”, withdrawn. “In doin so the French are puttin the lives of our border guards at risk” she said, without a hint of irony.

All of which would be worrying enough; but as the the Ulster comic used to say “There’s more!”

Brigadeer Pratti Prattle believes public demonstrations of protest of any kind are “takin away the rights” of those who find such protests “upsettin”. Any upset, whether intended or experienced will result in protesters “seein the full force of the law”. Police are now given the right to judge whether a protest is ‘upsettin’, even before any protest begins. Any person present at the scene of a protest, or in a place where one might be about to start, can be arrested if they question why they are being stopped and searched. If this happens, and the person arrested tries to claim innocence, the Ministry of Crime and Punishment have ensured that judges and lawyers are undermined, courts under-resourced and costs prohibitive to all but the richest and well-connected defendants.

There’s more of course – much more – but that’s for another time….

The Ministry of Satire excelled themselves yesterday. Giving De Pfeffel a hard copy of his speech to industry leaders on the topic of technology and levelling up, they avoided the risk of creating any semblance of confidence and capability by avoiding an autocue. The result was pure brilliance as De P lost his way and shuffled through pieces of reprocessed ancient woodland, gallumphing and muttering to himself as he did. Thankfully technology had moved them on from vellum, thus avoiding any headlines about “Lambs to the Slaughter “.

Farm animals did however feature in De P’s ad libbing, as he sought to order his papers. Satire Ministry mandarins could not believe how successful their coaching of De P had been as they looked on in approval while he talked about his new pet, De Pfeffel Pig. The industry leaders, who had been coaxed and coached to “The North”, knew a thing or two about successful branding. Not to be outdone De P attempted to promote his pet pig as the swine qua non of British creativity. All of which was in part true. De P made his barn storming performance headline news, while his cabinet of psychophants* in parliament overplayed the impact of illegal immigration and underplayed the impact of caps to social care on inequality and the levelling up agenda. Brand De P with its 3 key pillars of “faux chaos”, “creative dishonesty “ and “plausible deniability “ worked once again as choruses of “ahh bless him, he’s a one!” echoed around the country.

*the psychophant is a mythical beast, half pachyderm half human, with a very thick skin and a snout of considerable multifunctionality; sniffing out financial benefits such as tax avoidance on loans, consultancies in return for government contracts, attaching itself to the rear end of fellow psychophants, bellowing loudly in response to minor issues of political importance, inserting it into the ground as a pulley to bury the head for major issues of political urgency.

Greetings from De Pfeffeland; a place where people shout on social media telling others to stop moaning about the increasing cost of fuel because “putting twenty quidsworth of petrol in your tank still costs £20”. These social influencers also get to vote. Voting however is about to become largely meaningless given that De Pfeffeland’s “first past the post” system is about to be enhanced by the need to provide ID and a COVID pass (both available from an an App downloaded from The Department of Misinformation website) before selecting the “ I agree” box on a 72page electronic document explaining what the voter is agreeing to.

Thankfully local representative selected by this method have their constituents’ needs close to their hearts ( and wallets in their top left inside pocket). For example our local Majority Politician (MP), an ex-serviceman of colour, in his weekly email shares views on national pride at Armistice Day but ignores the ignominy of withdrawal from Afghanistan and the wasted lives of those sent to defend our democratic future there. Proud to be the first MP of West Indian heritage in his party, he is yet to share his own views on other national scandals such as racism in cricket.

To be fair he does have a finger on the pulse for local issues, sharing photos of himself joining those riding along a recently upgraded cycle route (joking them for the last 200 metres of the 20km ride). In other demonstrations that he is “going along for the ride “ he was one of many MPs marched to the top of the hill and back down again by Lieutenant General Lord Snooty Rees-Smug, Sir Mince Spicer, and Vice Admiral De Pfeffel himself, in defence of a fellow MP so corrupt he finally rejected himself. Meanwhile

The Ministry of Satire continues to issue statements about De Pfeffeland’s “Levelling Up” agenda. A recent example of their work was seen when, in defence of down-levelling “ Northern Powerhouse” rail development plans, Vice Admiral De-P (as he is known to those unaccustomed to typing so many Fs in one word without swearing) said that repurposing existing rail tracks saved “cutting through swathes of our world-beating heritage and countryside”. Which was a surprise to those in “The South” who had singularly failed in arguing the same case during HS2 plans between London and Birmingham and had lost acres of ancient woodlands; this in spite of the self same people having voted in De-P voluntarily (before the Misinformation Dept App and voter qualification standards were introduced thus belying the old adage “Turkies won’t vote for Christmas” and challenging the need for voter ID in the first place?)

Both departments (Satire and Misinformation) have also been hard at work promoting “Global De Pfeffeland “ and censoring any use of the term “Brexit” on national TV (in particular on De Pfeffeland Boostercasting Corporation – more on which in another post). Air Vice Marshall Lord Fusty and Rear Admiral Lady Bliss Trussed have been shuttling diplomacy astride their respective Dyson Airblade and Triumph Rocket to ensure that every new deal struck with a new trading partner comes with guaranteed GDP-enhancing bonus and De Pfeffeland Trust Transparency Promises.

Departmental Mandarins are particularly proud of DPTTP and their reassignment of the word “new” to include any trading partner in existence on the day after the 2019 election landslide victory. Without a hint of irony, Satire and Misinformation spokespeople continue to use the word “landslide “ in spite of its devastating connotations.

And finally, talk of devastation leads on to Rear Admiral Lady Trussed and her ability to put her telescope to her blind eye. Her brief in Government for ‘women’ meant that she could totally ignore a ‘man’ on hunger strike. The fact that it was he and not his wife campaigning for release from Iranian jail was presumably why she adopted Bliss ignorance to the matter. Her guiding policy Venn diagram where circles marked ‘Foreign’ and ‘Women’ overlap was unfilled.

It’s not as if Bliss Trussed did not recognise states whose records on human rights are sometimes questionable. Her Global De Pfeffeland photo-opportunity showed Trussed astride her Triumph in Thailand; Bliss ignorance was applied to a state with human rights far worse than De Pfeffeland. Some suspected that she was secretly envious and sought first hand knowledge of an alternative political car crash.

Whatever the case, the policy Venn diagram intersection for ‘Foreign’ and ‘Women’ was fully ticked and amplified by intersecting a third key policy circle ‘Bliss’. Her Spads had pointed out that she automatically ticked the ‘Women’ category, she had merely glowed with pride at the thought. Some suspected she was also trying to out-think her colleague Brigadeer Pratt’s Prattle whose to level-up the judiciary appeared to be headed the same direction as how they’d levelled Northern Powerhouse* .

*Officials have denied rumours that “Northern Powerhouse” was to be renamed “Shepherds Cottage” as it encapsulated the idea more succinctly.